The 20th of July, 2011 was a day that I'd been building up to, in some ways for 3 summers. As a junior in high school I lost the church I'd gone to for my entire life due to a variety of factors - one being controversy about long term involvement with illegal immigrants - rather people said it outright or not, many were bothered and offended. But after the church closed down I had a meeting with BJ, fairly desperate to find somewhere - anywhere - I could plug in and find fellowship. But I was also extremely cautious. I talked a lot about the migrant ministry. As he phrased it, it was like an egg of hope I was holding onto - so fragile. I wanted to go to a church that would be a part of it. For two years after deciding to stick with Adventure, BJ finally approached me and said "we're doing it." And that's in a very brief nutshell how I got here. And now, July 20th, I was going to be stepping onto one of my favorite patches of dirt and an absolute war zone in the Spiritual realm - with the Adventure youth group. Leading them.
Abbey and a girl in Camp 2 half a day after my warfare, proving Satan dead wrong.
Not surprisingly the enemy was full on trying to shred me in the morning. All the standard - but unfortunately effective - means he always uses against me: isolation, loneliness, the whole "no one gives a *bleep* about this mission or that you've flown back here because your heart is so into this mission" lies that continuously had been coming up since the trip's inception.
Hannah (left) and Caitlyn (right) on the bus.
On the bus I had a nice chunk of time to do some warfare and put on the armor of God. I was good after I did that, overall. I prayed like crazy over the team.
We got to the church we were staying at (Crossroads Covenant Church) and unloaded all of our things. The guys stayed in the youth room above the coffee house (which is an outreach ministry). The girls stayed in one of the children's church rooms by the sanctuary.
After we were settled in I had the opportunity to give my final talk to the youth group. This one was about how to engage specifically with the kids at the camps. I talked about our attitude, about mistakes I'd made to avoid, about and my favorite part what to do. Things like the importance of touch, games that the kids were familiar with...and the hamster dance. The hamster dance is pretty ridiculous. It's a dance that my Northwest Evangelical Presbyterian team learned on a Mexico mission trip and carried over into the migrant ministry from 2007 on. Below is a video of what was then my youth group performing it in 2007 several miles from the Sakuma camps.
I got the distinct (partly evil) pleasure of teaching it to the Adventure crew. Obviously there were definite mixed levels of excitement about it - but everyone was a pretty good sport. Samm helped me figure out the electric slide piece of it, which always confuses me slightly, but the rest I could do in my sleep and on command with or without the music.
Kelsey as we prepared with the worship crew for Camp 2
After that was complete we headed out to join with a group who brought a worship trailer to various locations and preached the gospel to all kinds of people around Skagit Valley as a ministry. That evening they were going to my beloved Sakuma Camp 2.
I was feeling some anxiety about "who are these people, what's their mission? Is this actually going to be a good thing. Will my and their philosophies clash?" Sometimes I'm pretty silly. Sometimes I don't trust God very much.
We met them, and they are awesome. Our job in the grand scheme of things was to entertain and love on the kids while they set up and drew in adults and teenagers, and then we would join them for the worship and message. They gave us tools like bean bag toss, face paints, beads, and a hot wheels race track as activities to do. There were prizes involved, and honestly I did feel ambivalent about that. These kids have by in large learned to take what they can and run with it and come to groups to get things, not build relationship. I brought the concern to BJ, and he gave me the green light to speak on the bus. And so I talked about, even though we were doing the prizes to make our focus relationship and in how we bestowed prizes and ran the games for our focus to be their hearts.
Around 5:00PM we rolled out towards the camp. I rode with BJ to help navigate...and goodness knows that was a bit exciting. For having worked in the Burlington area so long I'm really not familiar with the layout of the surrounding area like Sedro-Woolley. We got to the freeway and from there I could get us there no problem, thank the Lord.
When we arrived at Camp 2 the worship trailer was already there. My heart pretty much lept when I saw it. I was back! We rolled across the little sketch wood bridge that even in a car made one nervous to cross. You can feel the slats of wood move as you roll over them. A part of the experience I embrace. I do admit I was glad the worship trailer hadn't done the bridge in. I was impressed they'd been able to get it across given how narrow the bridge is.
I helped Rhonda park the bus and watch for kids. Then I got on in, gave some mini to the point speech, prayed, and we got off it. Maybe I'm just super in love with the ministry, but it felt like I was stepping out onto holy ground. I greeted the first kids I saw instantly. It was go time and I was going. If ever there was a time in my life when I knew what needed to happen and I was ready to lead it was this moment.
One of the girls who remembered me.
We drew the kids over to our activities. Some of them remembered me, which really brought joy to my heart. They always remember Suzanne and Mara, but often my role hasn't built super deep one on one relationships because I'm running around with kids on my back or catching grasshoppers or other things that I don't expect to be remembered for. But I was wrong. I guess after knowing a lot of those kids consistently for so many years they remember me as well as I remember them.
Olivia loving on a little boy.
I'm a video guy, and have brought my video camera into the camps since 2007. Last year I brought my HV30 (high def $800 camera) to Nicaragua and the Philippines, but even still didn't feel like it would be a good idea to bring to Burlington. But this year, since it could be the last time I'd get to do this, I brought it. I'm thankful I did and that God's hand of protection was over it. As I was filming with it my heart was just overflowing. I don't remember feeling SO happy in at least a year, maybe even longer. Watching Adventure plug in and engage with these kids as well, or better than I'd been playing in my head since 2009 was almost too much. I was just whispering "thank you, God. Thank you Jesus. Thank you. Thank you" as I watched everything unfolding. I wrote in my journal that night "Watching the team was one of the most amazing experiences - maybe of my life...If I'd died in that moment I would have been truly content. Fully happy."
Hannah painting a girl's arm after getting painted herself.
Nick blowing up balloons.
I wish I had complete video coverage of every amazing moment that evening. I got a lot of them, but I know there's so many that I've forgotten too. Watching Hannah and Heidi rock the face painting was amazing. Hannah let the kids paint on her arms and face - Heidi had a really special connection with a little girl, Esmeranda, I knew from last year. Just thinking about what I saw at the face painting table is bringing me back to a really emotional place. The bead crew was awesome. Sami - Caleb - and Olivia. The games - bean bag toss and car races - our team got what I'd said about relationship. It was all about engaging with the kids and their hearts. Making balloon animals (and eventually swords), wow. It was great watching Nick and Zac get beat up by them - a role similar to one I've taken many times, and would yet take almost every day from this point on.
Garat and I doing some piggyback.
Just because I had the camera didn't mean I was out of the action. I spun kids around, did a little piggyback (I was running low on food that gave me actual sustenance so my energy was not good for that), tickled kids and talked to them. I was in my element.
Everyone worshiping.
At some point along the line the worship started and a lot of the youth group and kids joined in. I was filming it and taking pictures, capturing moments that I don't ever want to forget. During that a boy asked to use my still camera. I let him. Was it smart? Maybe not. Was it as dumb as letting a little girl use my video camera a couple minutes later...no. Was that pretty dumb. Absolutely. Did it surprise me that after I'd given people advice to hang onto and watch their cameras that I broke the rule completely within an hour of being on the field? Absolutely not. Throughout the evening I shared both cameras with a couple different kids. Arely (I'm guessing on the spelling), a girl you'll hear a lot more about in continuing blog posts, was one who got to use it.
Arely using my video camera.
She became my little buddy at Camp 2 for the rest of the two weeks. And used my camera a lot. What blew me away is that even though I lost track of the still camera for awhile, it was never stolen. The same deal with my video camera, in increasing amounts as the week went on.
I really enjoyed some of the Spanish rock worship even though I didn't know the words. And even the slower songs. Something about the culture just draws me in. I wasn't in the thick of the worship, but it was awesome soaking it in, loving on the kids, and filming with it going on.
During the sermon I was in and out. Arely and other kids wanted to play out in what I'll call the soccer and grasshopper field, so I and some others went with them. Honestly it's a blur how it all went, but I know I was busy running around for part of the time.
Hannah and I at Sakuma 2.
At some point I looked over and saw Hannah sitting on a bench under the pavilion looking, as I'd describe it, rather wilty. Definitely like she was on the dehydrated side. I'm not normally someone who likes to share water...but she hadn't brought any. It turned out to be an actual high moment laying down my irrational fear of backwash, strange as that may sound.
Something I jotted down in my journal, that still reflects how I feel is "God used a terribly flawed man [myself] to bring life to kids. And God will do even more."
The gentleman and a cute kid. :)
I had a discussion with one gentleman from the worship trailer group, and I wish I'd written down some of its contents, but in essence he was blown away that my vision had brought so much together. It was pretty epic.
When we left the group was so excited to go back the next day. I was pretty excited at everyone's enthusiasm.
There was a great kickback to my first Burlington mission trip for me in that we showered at the Mt. Vernon YMCA both times. Why is that epic to me? Really it's just the great symmetry of it all, and I wasn't a part of finding locations to shower either time. So it was like God having a little sense of humor with us AND providing showers...praise Him for that!
The night was rough. Some people hit breakdown point. Watching one of my close friends (who shall remain nameless since I haven't asked their permission to write this), had a pretty brutal emotional and physical breakdown after praying for someone and had to be carried to the room, and all I could do was stand there and watch - feel extremely powerless and pray.
As if this blog entry isn't long enough...indulge a little more. It strikes me reading my journal that "wow", there were almost two different Brian's in the space of 3 hours. One who rose up and made a mission happen...and one who reverted back to the inner 15 year old or so self who didn't know what to do and felt inadequate to handle the situation.
Will this blog end on a rather downer note, much like the day did? It seems right to me in telling the story to tell it how it was and not sugarcoat the times that were difficult or I almost gave up. So yeah, after the leader's meeting and laying out a plan I did go to bed rather discouraged and still praying. I don't function well at 1AM...which felt like 3AM to me having got used to the Illinois time zone.
I didn't know what I'd encounter the next day. Would more of the team break down? Would my friend still be owned? Would people feel disillusioned or really struggle if there was less excitement at Camp 2? I went to sleep with those questions buzzing around my overcrowded mind.
I haven't introduced the team up to this point, so I will briefly so when I use names at least a tiny inkling of who I'm speaking about will exist. The leadership I've introduced a bit in previous blogs:
BJ - head youth leader, great guy, leadership style definitely stretches my leadership style but it's a good thing.
Rhonda with her M16 on the bus.
Rhonda - BJ's mother, our bus driver, and an expert with the M16 (not really, but the pictures make you wonder), as well as a great cook Rhonda really made so many of the nitty gritty details fall into place despite being in a fair bit of pain for a lot of the trip.
Kerstin - Met her on the Philippines trip and as God's providence would have it she was laid off from her job in Cambodia and wound up as an ACC leader.
Seth - A definite backbone member of the team even though he was in and out on the mission trip. The group is lucky to have him.
Myself - if you haven't got a sense of me yet...good luck. haha.
There were 19 students on the trip, all high school.
Abbey: She's a freshman, and has a great heart for worship and is a deep thinker.
Aron: I didn't know him before the trip, but it was awesome seeing him come into himself through training camp and the mission.
Caitlyn: Another student I didn't know before the trip. Knowing bits of her story, seeing her live out who she was designed to be blew me away.
Caleb: I'd met him once before the trip very briefly. He's got an awesome heart and is loyal to a fault (that quality reminds me of myself)
Christina (AKA Suki) I don't even know how to describe Christina. Known her for awhile. She's very silly, a prankster, and a lot of fun to have on the team.
Darryl: Another guy I didn't know before the trip, but I sure did afterward. A joker, but also a guy with a massively deep heart for God and others. He was looking out for the team.
Garat: Known this guy awhile too, and he's full of wisdom and a real leader. Absolutely in every way a peer to me even though I'm a bit older (I don't know if that speaks of my immaturity or his maturity)
Hannah: very close friend of mine, odd in a similar way to myself, lot of fun, and very deep walk with God.
Heidi: I've known Heidi almost the longest of anyone on the trip as we went to school together long before I was at Adventure, and we've got a very much brother-sister relationship.
Jen: Jen was yet another student I met at training camp. She was fairly quiet, at least around scary me, but she's awesome and was a vital part of the team.
Jessi: I've known her really since the Philippines. She's another quiet one until you get to know her, but gosh...she is a prankster and can be quite extroverted when she wants to be.
Jordan: He's a real stand up guy. No doubt about it. He's got a really big heart and sees the world a little differently than a lot of people. He's another guy I'd like to be a little more like.
JZ: Yet another really legit guy (and yes, yet another person I met at training camp). He's got a gift for musical worship and a real strength of character and a humbleness I saw played out several times on the trip.
Kelsey: Abbey's older sister and one of the most positive enduring people on the trip. She's tough in the gentlest way possible.
Nick: Nick has a big heart for evangelism, and has been a friend of mine as long as Heidi.
Olivia: I'd talked with Olivia via facebook before the trip, but didn't meet her until training camp. She's really serious about God, has a great heart, and is a great photographer.
Samm: Samm is Garat's younger sister. She almost didn't go on the trip, but praise God she did. I can't imagine it without what she brought.
Sami: Sami...is one of the first people I got to know at Adventure Church, and she's pretty rad. You'll hear more about her in subsequent posts.
Zac: Zac is Sami's younger brother. He's also rad. I hadn't really known him on a deep level before the trip, but sure did after.
Some of the team on the bus.
And that my friends, acquaintances, strangers, and enemies...is the team. I don't think I'd change it even if I could. God did a great job in setting up that roster. You would not believe the agonizing in prayer that went on for the team in general and for specific people who weren't sure for awhile that went into putting that team together just from my standpoint, and I know that the other leaders and high schoolers were praying.
Tuesday the 19 was our last day of training. Originally it was planned as a rest day before walking into the mission, but God had other plans and looking back I sure don't argue with Him. The morning I was really falling on God like I was a couple days back just in desperation for the mission and for things going on in my heart that were taking my focus off my two key objectives:
1. Equipping the youth group to love the migrant kids with the love of Jesus
2. Passing the ministry on into their capable hands so they could continue without me
In the afternoon the activity originally planned for my speaking time two days before was set to happen - the famed and feared No Hope Room. This is an activity that is built up in stories every year by word of mouth as intense and pretty brutal emotionally. Students walk into a room and witness a lot of horrible events acted out by a drama team (domestic violence, drug abuse, prostitutes etc). The first time through they can only observe and the second time they can interact and try to improve the situation.
I'd been on a trip to the Philippines with Adventure last year, however I'd had to leave training camp early to go on another mission trip to Nicaragua, so I missed the No Hope Room. This year I was curious to see what it was all about even though I was a leader. I got the opportunity to go down twice. The first time was with the first group and I was just rather overwhelmed by it.
A strobe light provided the only light in the smoke filled room. Death metal was playing really loudly. I didn't really process what I was experiencing other than that it was really intense. It didn't hit my heart. I didn't want it to. I was a leader - I couldn't let it hit me (so I told myself). After leading other groups to it and leaving them to go through I went to join in on the conversation the groups who had gone through were having.
A lot of the youth (guys and girls) were in tears and overwhelmed. People didn't want to go back in. They were scared. Past memories of abuse were coming back to some. Others could only think about Erica with the domestic abuse scenario. I honestly didn't know what to do with a room full of crying teenagers, a lot of them practically my peers and all of them my friends. I wanted to hug them all, but I felt like that wasn't the right response in this case. Almost a voice saying "hold back, this is for them. Don't intervene." And sure enough they rose up and prayed for one another and fought for each other in a way that would not have been as powerful if I'd stepped in. Then I joined them and fought in prayer and with hugs and encouragement for them. But it was absolutely critical to the team that they initiated it.
As I sent each group out for the second round, I gave as many people hugs and encouraging words as I could. As groups came out the other side it was hard to listen to. People were crying loudly and even though I was a leader and knew it was all fake in there, I started to feel fear. I was going in with a small group (3 people instead of 4). The guy in the group was really shaken up and emotional. But he went in with a lot of courage.
This time I was really affected. Almost to the point of tears. It wasn't fear. All I could think about was the migrant kids and fighting for the three team members with me. As we tried interacting it became all we could do to keep ourselves together against an onslaught of people trying to sell us drugs and sex. We couldn't do a thing about the domestic abuse. The helplessness I think is what tore me up. Brought back the emotion that was just below the surface that I've felt so often in my life - the reality that I can't save everyone. All the emotions of not being able to save Erica really hit my heart. If I'd been in there much longer I would have broken down, but by the mercy of the way the experience works is it's only 1 or 2 minutes long.
The conversation afterward was excellent too. Some people had found hope and strength in the midst of the darkness and bonded closer together. Personally my emotional bandwidth was shot.
The rest of the afternoon and evening was time with God and free time. I know I had to fall pretty darn hard on Christ during both quiet time and different periods of the free time because of what was going on in me. One thing that if you don't know me and you're reading this you ought know is I'm a person who has battled depression for a lot of years and do have some deep seated inner battles that rear up frequently in addition to the intensity of training camp, and being so drained from the No Hope Room, I didn't have the bandwidth to stave off all that.
That said, the evening was exciting for me as we loaded up the trailer to roll out at long last to Burlington and the migrant kids I so desperately wanted to see. And the day was encouraging because I got to give a lot of hugs and get them and I'm a very touch oriented person.
The leaders' meeting that night was pretty stressful. Last minute plans for what we were even going to do the next day that hadn't been thought about by most of the leadership in detail had to be resolved. I'd wanted them to be laid out days before, but that's just not how the leadership worked, and by the end of the trip I was used to that. However at 12:30 or 1:00AM I was just plain stressed and had trouble communicating. I was really glad to finally step over the sleeping and awake forms of the high school guys and crawl into my sleeping bag for a bit of shut eye before we really stepped out onto the battlefield.
Day 3 dawned with waking up the students in a similar fashion to the previous day and forcing them onto the bus with the threat of docked pesos. Then we told them that they didn't have to work. The rest of the morning was spent in quiet time and some free time. During worship and quiet time, I just pictured Jesus' life - snapshots from it like a movie trailer or music video might give and was really impacted and able to worship from my heart. However, I was out of it totally for a large part of the free time. I think, given what happened later that day, is I was being hit by the Enemy (Satan) and that his goal was to get me to believe I was isolated and no one was interested in the mission and that it didn't matter I'd come back. I didn't fight it lying down. I really prayed and was reading through Psalms beginning God for any kind of sustenance to ward off the loneliness and discouragement. After awhile I just kind of gave up and dozed off until lunch.
That afternoon the activity we were going to do fell through until the following day, and I had a good chunk of time to really teach the youth group about the specific migrant kids we were going to be involved with at the Sakuma Brothers Camps. Before I set up my stuff I literally fell on my knees and prayed over what I'd say.
I kicked off the session with this video:
Then I talked about a lot of things, from the general migrant situation all the way down to specific stories. One story was particularly emotional for me and was about a girl named Erica who was seven when I met her. Here's what I wrote in my journal in 2007 when she told us her story.
Erica playing with puppets the first week I met her.
"Erica's stepfather is brutal. She is terrified of him. She tried to run away not long before we arrived for the mission trip and he caught her. He pulled out her hair and beat her. She cried that she just wanted him to stop. I don't know and will never know how frequently these attacks happen, but I have a feeling this wasn't the first or the last since she was running away to escape him. She has no way to get out."
I read that word for word to the youth group and showed them her picture. I expected that I'd start to cry telling the story and I absolutely did. I really struggled to get through it without completely falling apart. Thinking about and typing this out now I'm feeling a knot in my stomach. What kills me is we couldn't do a thing to help her. She and her family just disappeared from the migrant camp not too long after we learned about the abuse, and despite searching every migrant camp we could find in Skagit Valley we could not find her.
I know the story was maybe one of the most powerful and upsetting things at training camp for some of the students, and affected them in the other really powerful emotional experience of the trip that they went through the following day (which I will blog about later).
After talking about that I was pretty drained and wanted to go decompress, but as a leader on the trip I had to keep engaging. However my heart really wasn't in what was going on and I was still pretty messed up.
That evening and the following day I got the chance to catch up Abbey, a freshman in high-school, who'd happened to miss the talk. That was really an enjoyable experience despite the emotional toll of talking about Erika again. It wasn't as brutal, but it did mess me up. However, the one on one being able to really dialog and answer all her questions and give her more stories and a big of a deeper insight than I was with a larger audience was a highlight of training camp for me.
The chains being removed at the end of the skit.
Day four of training camp really was a lot of practical preparation like dramas, in fact almost exclusively dramas, with small breaks. The drama I was a part of overseeing was called "Chains". It has a lot of personal meaning for me (read some of my previous posts, particularly "Creating and Acting in Dramas and Drimes for Social Justice) for more details on that.
This was a very physically demanding drama. The girls were bruised from practice.
So Day 4 wasn't as emotionally intense as Day 3, however it was a good day and for the students it was an exhausting day. I know I was dealing with a lot of warfare in the evening. Pretty sure Satan was mad about what had been accomplished so far at training camp, and was afraid of what could (and did) happen when we got out onto the real battlefield.
I just got back from an intense 3 week mission trip back to Washington (I live in Illinois now). I was leading Adventure Community Church's High School youth group into the migrant camps. I'll post more blogs about the individual days and my thoughts and feelings about it all, but I want to start off with this entry as an overview.
It was an amazing trip and God was so evident all over it. It's absolutely the most taxing mission trip I've ever been on. Perhaps even moreso than what I did last year, which was Nicaragua for 10 days, around 2 weeks to prep and pack, then off to the Philippines for 2 weeks, and then got back and had 1 week in Burlington. I was wiped from that, but only physically. This year was a serious taxation mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as well.
I think the reason is in part, that I was in a leadership role and that I was invested in doing right by the kids at Sakuma migrant camps 1 and 2. My motivation in prep was really to prepare the Adventure Church youth group to be aware of what those kids were going through and what they needed.
Our training for them was intense. Four days of what we called "Training Camp" or "Boot Camp" depending on the leader took place before we hit the deck on the 20th. Starting the evening of the 15 we took them through a day and a half of essentially immersive role play. We made them go through a border crossing scenario devised by us, the leaders, leaning on my knowledge of stories of border crossings, BJ's (head youth leader) experience running similar sorts of training, and Seth's (other youth leader and youth "mascot" if you will, great guy) imagination and practical theatrical insights and experience living with refugees to make it both an intense and as close as we could realistic experience.
We divided the students up into families with stories I'd created based on my knowledge from hearing and reading stories. They ranged from children traveling without parents, to larger families traveling together and getting separated. Everyone had a reason to cross and take the risk. It really put the students in the mindset for meeting their Coyote (man who would guide them through the "desert" and get them their passports.) They experienced having to pay off the Mexican border guards, stay under blankets and stay quiet in a vehicle, sneak through brush, and then be abandoned by their Coyote and try to make it across the border without being captured by guards. None of them made it fully successfully.
My role was playing the member of another family with another youth leader, Lydia. Our job was sneaking through the brush ahead of the family and then getting captured by the US border patrol. I was full on tackled each time and abandoned by the family, who would retreat onto their next crossing attempt.
I changed to the role of a border guard keeping the captured in line when we reached the final location. This was completely improvised, but definitely captured at least for me a lot of the tension that exists on the border and the anger on both sides.
They all came into the States with debt and the corrupt border guard that we happened to be, decided to sell them to a land owner who needed his property cleared.
This ended day 1.
Day 2 dawned with us waking up the students and telling them they had fifteen minutes to get on the bus or we were docking their pay out of breakfast. Being the brutal youth leaders we are it was somewhere between 5 and 10 minutes in reality. A lot of the students didn't even have time to use the bathroom before they left. We drove out to the property and gave them assigned tasks. My job was overseeing some weed whacking initially. Being harsh is not my foretay (I'm a people pleaser and I happened to want these people to still like me and one of my spiritual gifts is mercy so that also played a factor), so they got an easy task master, hard as I tried. I just got to stand there and make sure that they did their jobs. I know some of them got mad at me a few times, or at least the situation.
Their meals were small (we provided them with a rigged economy where they were only able to get meager amounts of food to split between their families.)
As the day went on the student's despair and desperation got pretty intense. We told them they were working the whole next day as well and they believed it. I myself started to wonder if the plans had actually changed and we were working them the whole next day. Clearly we were persuasive.
The end of the day was a massive push, convincing them that they needed to work extra hard to get done before the sun went down or the mosquitoes would pretty much own them (not an empty threat, as I'd already received at least 10 bites that day). By the time they'd finished they were exhausted and pretty much owned.
They really got on a whole new level how tough it is working a labor job. Picking fruit, the going pay rate for workers in Skagit county for Strawberries is 14 cents a pound, so they have to pick fast and long to make it by. The students were all set for the next day of hard work...
